Always Thinking. Always Wondering.

It does not matter who I am with, how great the person I am with is, or how great I currently feel about my life and situation, the anxiety and constant paranoia will always be there. I am constantly overthinking every step I make in a new relationship, and how much I do not want to fuck up again because I know the events I am capable of spiraling down into if it does get fucked up.

It does not matter who I am with, how great the person I am with is, or how great I currently feel about my life and situation, the anxiety and constant paranoia will always be there. I am constantly overthinking every step I make in a new relationship, and how much I do not want to fuck up again because I know the events I am capable of spiraling down into if it does get fucked up.

I keep telling myself that if a new relationship ends, changes are going to be made on my end, I will get my shit together and act like an adult, and I will keep my emotions under control. But that does not ever happen, and that will not ever happen, because I cannot predict how my emotions will respond to certain situations. Who knows, I can very well wake up one day, lose the love of my life, and be completely content.


Sometimes I wonder why I let the loss of love affect me so much, even when I know I use it to replace something lacking in my own life. Sometimes I wonder how my love life would have been like if I had not let my emotions catalyze my self-destructive and catastrophic behaviors. Would I still be with one of my exes because my crazy behaviors would not have pushed them away? Or would I still be in the same position I am right now, realizing, with a clear head, that on-and-off relationships almost never work out?

Do I regret a lot of decisions I had made?

Of course.

Would I change how I react to breakups if I could go back in time and do so?

Probably not.

Because if I did, I would be acknowledging that who I am is flawed and needs to be “fixed”. I would be acknowledging that feeling pain and having emotions are sins. I would be acknowledging that I need to become a completely different person in order to fit in with this world.

That is never going to happen.


Stay strong.

Let the crazy within you flourish.

I Love You

Let me know what's on your mind

© Copyright 2020 Lena Ma Books

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